April 25, 2005

Immediately after I finished my last exam, Bernard and I rushed down King St. in the rain, weary of missing the brewery tour organized by Student Publications. When I panic I walk faster; to compensate, Bernard slowed his stroll to a determined crawl. But even though we arrived wet and fashionably late, we missed nothing. The Brick Brewery Tour wasn’t exactly a tour; rather, it was a gathering of 20 people trying to consume as much (free) alcohol as possible in the span of two hours.

We joined in. I sat next to Jason Shim who is now peddling chastity symbols and pyramid schemes. “Everything has inherent meaning,” he said while I downed the inherent meaning in my glass of beer. I was about to start an argument, but my words came out slurred and my brain was slow. Besides, everybody was warm and friendly: Bernard put his arms around me while I directed my inappropriate jokes at Bev.

And then the speeches began. Everybody was invited go up and say something. Even though I was too drunk to say anything, Fraser dragged me to the podium and started ripping my clothes off. “Speech! Speech! Speech!” And I told them how Student Publications made me pierce my nipple and improved my sex life.

“I had this crazy crush on Katie West,” I blurted. “She was the Art’s Editor two years ago, and because I wanted her to see me half-naked I agreed to have steel jammed into my flesh. And it hurt like fuck. But I really liked her.”

My half-naked body twitched and my arms flailed. Nobody seemed to care how much I slurred my words.

“I ended up writing a great article about body piercing and cock,” I continued, “and since then I’ve been hooked on Student Publications. Whenever I look at my chest, I am reminded of the devastating impact the organization had on my life.”

My last two years with Student Publications have changed me utterly. I learned to swear a lot more, and I also learned to appreciate the fantastic writers and deeply sensitive and intelligent people who chain together beautiful words. Instead of telling everyone about my piercing and occasional hard-ons, I should have told them how much I loved them. But I was drunk, and wonderful emotions spun in my head.

Beer makes us do strange and wonderful things — on the way out I hugged everybody.