December 08, 2003

Here is more information about me than you can comfortably stomach at one time:

Past

1. I was born in Transylvania in 1980; the place is not as rhapsodic as it sounds.

2. My parents didn’t want any other children after they had me.

3. In kindergarten I only shitted my pants once but I used to strangle the other kids all the time.

4. I was friendly and playful with them until I got my hands around their throats.

5. As a kid, I swore like a sailor and constantly rebelled against authority (I’m the chap who’s not clapping in the picture above).

6. On the first day of grade school I got kicked out of class after declaring that I was there to have some fun.

7. I used to constantly beat up or get beaten up by the other kids.

8. I started smoking in grade two, and quit a few months later after I was caught stealing too many packs of cigarettes from my parents.

9. A year later I had my first (dry) orgasm after being stroked by another boy.

10. By grade four I could no longer single-handedly beat up the other kids so I started using sticks and stones.

11. After getting ambushed by some classmates and getting a bloody nose and a few bruises, I realized that I had to change my tactics and use my brains instead of my fists.

12. My new tactics got me kicked out of school in grade five after I masterminded a crime syndicate.

13. At the new school I fell in love with the preacher’s daughter; she was beautiful and smelled like fresh rain.

14. She dumped me after I chased the other girls around the schoolyard with a stick between my legs making all sorts of noises and humping inanimate objects: nobody enjoyed my impromptu sex show as much as I did.

15. I came to Canada when I was thirteen without speaking a word of English only to discover that kids can be pretty cruel and the system pretty unjust.

16. The Canadian educational system systematically broke my spirit and shattered my mind.

17. I only recovered in University.

18. In first year I met my best friend in the middle of a traffic accident and we’ve been having intense conversations ever since.

19. I also met the woman I wanted to marry.

20. My best friend also had a crush on her, the fool.

21. I gave her roses everyday for a week and she gave me a hard-on each time I thought about her.

22. Sitting next to her once, I wanted to kiss her so badly my jaw hurt.

23. Her heart belonged to another, and though she was an amazing friend she eventually disappeared.

24. I also randomly met a red haired nymph, and everything between us was intense, passionate, and beautiful.

25. When we broke up I tore her heart to shreds. And she died. Suicide.

26. For the longest time after it happened I wanted to die too.

27. She thought me everything about life and about death, and I always carry her in my memory like a rich and unfathomable gift.

Present

28. My personality type is INTP: I tend to be critical and have a “curious amorality” about everything.

29. I like playing with ideas and reshaping the world around me.

30. I often look for depth, meaning, and intensity, only to find nothingness.

31. I find politics fascinating especially when there’s a real possibility to remedy an unbalanced situation.

32. The more I am confronted by unfairness and ineptitude, the more politically active I become.

33. At times I can be energetic, exuberant, excessive.

34. And I like excess.

35. Some see this as pathological.

36. I’m a man of little faith, but I have a lot of imagination.

37. The time spent in Catholic institutions eroded my faith in Man and god.

38. I’m studying English because I was never really good at it and I allowed myself to be seduced by words.

39. Some people thought I was good so they gave a few awards and a bit of money.

40. I tried to say something shocking at each awards ceremony until they grew tired of my stunts.

41. I’m also studying computer science because I have an instinctive drive to create elegant solutions to complex problems.

42. I’m actively trying to integrate my two fields of study.

43. I want to go mad and to see reality as a million fragments of light and pain.

44. Someday I probably will — I get off by pushing myself to the edge of reason.

45. I want my mind to crack under the overwhelming beauty and savageness of the world, not because of chemical stimulation.

46. Thus, I never used drugs, though I support the legalization of most narcotics.

47. One day I’ll become a fishmonger — I need a deep and poetic occupation.

48. Fish is my favourite food because it is full of spiritual connotations.

49. I went skinny dipping a few times and once, at the end of summer, I nearly got caught.

50. I like how water feels cool and limitless when you jump in naked.

51. I’m starting to dislike bathing suits — bodies should be naked with desire and free.

52. I usually start more projects than I can finish and I find them all enthralling in their own way.

53. I usually read a lot less than I should.

54. But I love the books that challenge and change me in some way.

55. Querelle is my favourite book: it’s raw and insanely poetic.

56. For me literature boils down to sex and death — Querelle is deeply satisfying because both forces converge in odd ways.

57. That said, I don’t believe in Freud or in necrophilia.

58. When I shed my inhibitions I can do anything: jump naked from cliffs, dance, love, or fly around the sun.

59. I shed my inhibitions too quickly, and I usually live to regret it.

60. William Blake is my favourite prophet of the soul: his books have opened the doors of my senses and made everything infinite.

61. I believe in Heaven and Hell: the brief moment of oxygen deprivation before death unleashes chemical reactions in the brain that unlock the doors to an eternity of happiness or pain.

62. I’m getting better at creating a hell within my own mind.

63. I can usually take anything and pervert it into something else — I can make a heaven of hell, or a hell of heaven.

64. Yes, I breathlessly read the whole of Paradise Lost. I’m still able to quote most of Satan’s lines.

65. I need more poetry in my life.

66. And more vulgarity, just to keep things real.

67. When I’m not overly poetic, I tend to be direct, brutal, and fucking obscene in my speech.

68. I often try to let people know how I feel about them; doing otherwise would be dishonest.

69. I fear that everything I write may one day come back to haunt me. That’s why I write less than I should.

70. I once wore makeup and it felt so good I’ll probably do it again.

71. I don’t care much about wealth but I do seek power, or, at least, influence.

72. I believe I can only be real if I can impose my own reality on others.

73. Sometimes I do insanely risky things like running into the middle of traffic or climbing up sheer cliffs without realizing the danger.

74. I think I will die before I’m 36.

75. Watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show is always a consciousness altering experience for me, and not just because I’m from Transylvania.

76. Naked Lunch is my favourite movie and it gave me a new appreciation for typewriters.

77. Deadlines and due-dates have lost all meaning for me so my assignments are always late and my library books are always overdue.

78. In the mornings I can sleep in forever.

79. I hate it when other people burden me with their secrets because I always believed things should be opened and known.

80. I’m a very patient listener in real life, so people often tell me personal details I have little interest in knowing.

Future

81. I never made elaborate plans for the future: everything that happens is random and absurd.

82. But I would like to start my own cult someday.

83. I want to get a tattoo in a strange place and learn a new language.

84. I want to do something crazy and spectacular to celebrate life.

85. And something tragic and desperate to invite death.

86. I want to write pornographic books and distribute them in schools and church basements.

87. I want to gain obscure knowledge and spew off obscenities in my dissertations.

88. I want my fingers to travel through a wilderness of flesh and probe the depths of the soul: sphincters and flaming cunts.

89. I want to cross Canada on my bike and get lost somewhere on the way to Vancouver and forget about life.

90. I want to be a holy man on my own terms and make eternal love to heavenly bodies.

91. I want to run naked through the streets in my hour of ecstasy and announce the second coming, semen flying from the tips of my fingers and cock into the eyes of innocent passersby.

92. I want to embrace the absurdity of live and make a meaningful whole out of the shithole of existence.

93. I want to bring about great political change and make everything open and straightforward.

94. I want the people around me to get laid and be happy so they will stop whining to me about inconsequential nonsense.

95. I want to force people to be honest with me and to tell me what they want and don’t want, so we can live simply and happily.

96. I want to reform entire institutions and make them perfect and democratic.

97. I want to make a movie where nothing happens, and the outraged audience forms into a mob outside the cinema and demands blood or a refund.

98. I want to share my bodily fluids in a profound act of communion.

99. I want to open up my mind for all to see and share my understanding and spiritual emptiness.

100. All I need is someone to fuel my madness and desire, someone who can give me a hard-on by staring into my eyes.

Posted by Tudor at 08:51 PM in Various Positions